Damn Cat

June 13, 2013

in Uncategorized

mamaWe are trying to train our cat.

I know we may be a little late to the ball game considering she is 21 years old.

I mean, we’ve put up with just about everything she has thrown at us for the past 21 years, so it seems silly to try to intervene now. The problem is, she has gotten into this annoying habit of waking me up at night.

Every hour on the hour, without fail.

It’s like having a new-born baby. No matter how much food is in her bowl, she wants more fresh food. This applies to both canned and dry food. We have tried to pretend that we put it in her dish, but really just left the old stuff thinking she’d be fooled into thinking it’s the new stuff. We have taken the old food out. put it back in the bag and then put it back in her bowl. And we have just piled the new stuff on the old stuff because we are lazy.

Nothing works.

Please note, the cat mostly Siamese, so when she meows it’s loud and obnoxious and hits you straight in your spine like a lightning bolt.

In other words, things had to change because mama needs her beauty sleep and I sure as hell wasn’t getting any being woken up every hour.

(I have to make a small concession here, it was actually Cheryl’s idea to try to train her. Mostly because I was out-of-town and there was NO WAY she was getting out of bed to feed the cat every hour on the hour. I have to give credit where credit is due.)

Armed with a spray bottle and loads of patience, she went to work. The cat would cry, Cheryl would spray her. This went on and on for several nights. And it wasn’t as easy as it sounds because that cat is damn smart and she figured out where she could sit and cry without being in the direct line of fire from the squirt bottle. By the time I got home the squirt bottle fight had turned into an all out ninja war. You had to crawl, stand and contort your body into all kinds of different poses to be able to actually hit the cat with the stream of water. Our bed became a war zone of tangled sheets and drippy water guns. There was a war to be won, and we were not taking anything less than victory.

(I am also going to acknowledge that at this point it would have taken less effort and taken less time to just get out of bed and feed the fucking cat, but we were training her dammit! We had to win!)

Eventually, the training worked.

I know, I am just as surprised as all of you.

The cat still tried every now and again to get fed at 3:42 am, but one reach for the squirt bottle would send her downstairs faster that you could say, uh, downstairs.

I had a few glorious nights of uninterrupted sleep…until last night.

As I mentioned before, my cat is smart. Super smart. Even with nine lives, you don’t survive 21 years without being a little street savvy.

I think the cat realized she was at a disadvantage and defenseless with the water bottle, so she adjusted her strategy. If her meow was what was giving her away, why not try a stealth attack? She was a great hunter back in her prime so going back to her sneak attack roots made sense. I just wish we remembered that before she did.

So as I am fitfully sleeping, almost showing off that I won and that I no longer have to get up in the middle of the night to feed the stupid cat when she pounces.


And she locks her claws in, her face right in front of my face, screaming FEED ME YOU SQUIRT BOTTLE TOTING BITCH!

It scared the living shit out of me.

1) Because she is 21 years old and I really wasn’t 100% sure she could even jump up on my bed anymore.

2) No one, and I mean NO ONE is expecting a cat to come hurtling through the air onto their face at 3:30 in the morning.

After that, I did what anyother person would do, I raised the white flag and surrendered. And spent the rest of the night waking up at 4:30am, 5:30am, 6:30am and 7:30am to feed her

She won, fair and square.

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1 Shelley April 13, 2013 at 3:05 pm

ROFLMFAO!!! (Sorry!!)

2 Sandi April 24, 2013 at 12:21 pm

It’s okay, the story is way funnier now than it was when it actually happened!

3 Margie April 16, 2013 at 8:37 am

I love your cat!!!

4 Sandi April 24, 2013 at 12:22 pm

I do too! For annoying as she can be she also provides us with entertainment!

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