I’M NOT LAUGHING…

August 13, 2013

in medical, Self Awareness

body_outline2009-03-31-1238504214 It’s official, I am getting old and completely falling a part from head to toe.

I’m being serious.

And slightly dramatic because I am hormonal.

Which is why I am having hot flashes. Not little “Oh, is it warm in here?” hot flashes. I am having big granddaddy “Holy fucking shit I am on fire! Get me a fire extinguisher!” kind of hot flashes.

You know, the kind when you sweat at night and get out of bed and there is a sweat lined silhouette of your body on the sheets.

Yeah, those are fun.

And to make matter worse I have ear popping vertigo. I don’t actually think “ear popping vertigo” is a medical term, but for the sake of my sanity and this argument as to why the past 36 hours have been shitty, we’re going to go with it, okay? I’ve had ear popping vertigo before. I have a bad ear drum for my Bad Plane Experience years ago and sometimes it gets water in it and it sounds like my head is full of rice crispies popping away in my brain. Or sometimes it sounds like Velcro getting separated. Or it sounds like a helicopter. Whatever it sounds like, it’s annoying. There is no way to turn off the sound. It starts when it wants to and it ends when it wants to. I end up walking around the house yelling (because I have to speak loud enough over the pooping sound) “Can anyone hear this helicopter in my head? Anyone?”

Of course no one can hear it so they just all back away like I am a crazy lady.

Which, in their defense, I probably am acting a little crazy because I HAVE FUCKING RICE CRISPIES POPPING IN MY HEAD AND THEY WON’T STOP!

Every so often the water in the ear travels into my inner ear and causes vertigo. I guess it’s not really vertigo, more like vertigo like symptoms. I’ve decided that I could never actually suffer from real vertigo, ear popping vertigo is bad enough. I mostly get it when I turn my head real fast and the room spins and contorts and it takes a few seconds to come back into focus. This is real fun when I am driving. Not the getting woozy part but the part when you ask your passenger “is this a 2 lane or 12 lane road?” and see the look of panic and fear once they realize I am completely disoriented.

Then to add insult to injury I decided to finally go get my foot checked. I’ve had this nagging foot pain for about a month. I have been inconsolably whinny about it. Every person I see I ask them to check my foot.

**Editors note: it is rude and considered bad manners to shove your foot in someone’s face and ask them to “look at it.” Most people find this vile. Consider yourself warned.

It turns out my foot pain was caused by a fracture. Luckily because I took so long to get it checked the fracture has partially healed on it own. The bad part is I can’t wear flip flops. It’s summer for Christ sake! How can someone not wear flip flops? I can only wear hard soled shoes. I’m going to be honest, I don’t even know what a hard soled shoe is and I was too embarrassed to ask the doctor. So I am currently wearing a tennis shoe and hoping that is what he meant.

Then this morning I go to my dermatologist appointment that I have had scheduled for forever. I hate how our insurance works when dealing with dermatologist. I have to pay a $20 co-pay to my family practitioner so he can refer me to the dermatologist who will change me another $20 co-pay just to tell me they have to put an order in for the service/removal and then I go back and pay another $20 co-pay for the procedure. To sum it up, it takes sixty bucks and three appointments over a four month period to get whatever I needed looked at, looked at.

So today was my middle appointment where I go in and have them fill out the paperwork for the procedure except she threw me a loop. One of my spots was just this side of being bad. It was at its turning point and once it turned it was going to be a bitch to eradicate. If you have seen me and my 4 inch scar on my arm you know just how hard it is to catch these little buggers once they settle in. So instead of waiting a month she decided to act now and process the paperwork later.

“We are going to take care of this today.”

Um, what…?

I was not mentally prepared for that. Granted I wasn’t mentally prepared for anything today, but that is beside the point. I need to plan, think and organize my thoughts before I subject my body to a dissection. I hadn’t bought Neosporin. Or band aides. And I’m going to the water park this weekend…

So lets add this all up. Hot flashes, ear popping vertigo, fractured foot and a gooey gash of skin cancer.

All.At.The.Same.Time.

It makes me whiny.

Reeeeaaalllyyy whiny.

And bitchy.

But that could just be the hormones talking.

So unless you have cake, a martini and know what a hard sole shoe is, I’d probably stand clear of me for a couple days.

1 Shelley August 13, 2013 at 5:45 pm

Let’s go out for drinks sometime soon! let me know when you are free. I’m glad your dermatologist took that spot off today! Screw the insurance waiting game.

2 Sandi August 13, 2013 at 9:10 pm

Shelley- Yes! And we have a concert right around the corner! As for the insurance, I was tickled pink that she did the right thing instead of waiting for the red tape. She saved me a lot of trouble down the road!

3 Lori August 13, 2013 at 9:07 pm

….backing slowly away…but still within rice crispies earshot. I heart you

4 Sandi August 13, 2013 at 9:11 pm

LOL! Thanks Lori! I <3 U 2!

5 Karen August 13, 2013 at 9:29 pm

I didn’t realize you were still having ear problems from that bad plane experience! I think of you every time I depart Honolulu and wonder if my flight is about to take a nose dive.

6 Sandi August 18, 2013 at 10:49 pm

Karen- Yep! My ears still bother me and I still get a little freaky when I fly and hit big turbulence (but doesn’t everybody?) but for the most part I have moved past it. My only regret is that I didn’t fight United for more air miles! They never gave me mine for that trip!

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