My lady bits caught on fire!

July 11, 2013

in Funny Stuff, Gay & Lesbian, Travel

I have never cared if I have male or female masseuse. Some people care, I don’t.

**I also don’t care if my gynecologist is male or female either, but that is not a part of this story.

When I am there to get a massage I care very little about anything else other than getting that massage. “I’ll step out of the room while you get undressed.” Uh, no you won’t. I got 80 minutes of your time and I expect an 80 minutes massage. I’m on to your game of “stepping out of the room” for 5 minutes wasting precious time.

Precious massage time.

Sorry, no stepping out, let me just throw my robe in the corner so we can get down to business, okay?

Today I got a boy masseuse. We will call him Patrick. Patrick let me choose between three massage oil flavors. Mint, lavender and rose. I don’t care for the scent of rose and I like it even less after reading The Hunger Games novels.

**3 points for you if you get that reference.

It was between lavender and mint. Since I was in a woodsy room with a wood burning fireplace I decide to go for the outdoorsy mint.

So Patrick got to work on my body. I think he was a little less guarded because, well, I just striped down naked in front of him showing little modesty, so he didn’t show any either. He kneaded and played patty cake with parts of my body that no man ever has.

I mean that literally.

He was in there just grinding away when the bottle of massage oil slipped and fell on my backside. I could feel the oil drip and pool as he just stood there panicked. He finally grabbed a towel and said “here, clean yourself up.”

OH HELL NO.

You spilt it and made the mess, you pick it up. I’m feeling all wobbly and massagy and relaxed. I’m not moving. Period.

That left Patrick very little option but to tap and pat and wipe up as much oil (think Exxon Valdez) as he could without dipping deep into my crevices. I mean, I only paid for a massage. I have a feeling that things like crevice cleaning cost extra.

Anyway, he was able to get the majority of the oil cleaned up so all was right with the world. Patrick was working wonders on my shoulders and back and I was doing my best to relax.

But I couldn’t.

It started small at first. Just a tingle. And then an all out burning sensation that wasn’t going to be ignored.

My vagina was on fire.

Like in flames.

I rolled over and asked Patrick for that towel. He handed in to me and I told him to turn around. There was no way I was letting anyone see the places I had to go to get that fire out.

Smokey the Bear would have been proud of my fire fighting techniques.

After my clean up job, I turned around and Patrick was standing there with a cup of water. I said “what am I supposed to do with that? Throw it on my who-ha?” He said he thought it would help with the burn, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to douse my vagina in cucumber lemon water from the spa, so I just dipped my towel in and used it on the places that I thought had the potential to actually go up in flames.

It helped a little.

But now my lady bits smell like the forest.

Lesson learned. Next time, I’m picking non flammable massage oil.

Like baby powder or unicorn dust.

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1 Shelley July 11, 2013 at 8:21 pm

Oh, girl, ONLY you. That would ONLY happen to you, and ONLY YOU would share it! Lmao at your expense…sorry! I’m sure Patrick will be telling this story for years to come. Remind me to tell you sometime how I got molested by a female massage therapist about 17 years ago. :)

2 Sandi July 11, 2013 at 10:50 pm

You know me Shelley, always an open book!

3 Mary Styler July 11, 2013 at 10:45 pm

OMG! I am HOWLING!!!!!! I have had a lot of massages by different people and I have NEVER had an experience like that! OMG. Tears! Sandi! Thank you SO VERY MUCH for really giving me a visual. That is so funny.
I’m dying here!

4 Sandi July 11, 2013 at 10:52 pm

Mary- glad to be of service! And I doubt I’ll ever have a massage like that again either! At least I hope not! It met like Ben-Gay in all the wrong places!

5 Mary Styler July 11, 2013 at 10:49 pm

Had to read it out loud to Rick. I had to pause a few times. He was laughing his ass off. Thank you!!!!!!!!!

6 Wendy July 12, 2013 at 9:01 am

OMG, you kill me … it never fails ~ love ya lots

7 Sandi July 12, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Thanks Wendy. Glad my vagina and I could provide you a good laugh! Love you too!

8 Sandi July 12, 2013 at 12:27 pm

Jimbo oh dear god. You never recover from a trauma like that. It’s like slipping off the pedals of a ten speed bike and landing on the bar…that pain never goes away!

9 Bonnie July 13, 2013 at 9:29 am

OMG…. I just spat out my tea… brilliantly funny hahahahahaha

10 Sandi July 13, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Thanks Bonnie! I hope you didn’t make too much mess spitting out your tea!

11 JUDY July 13, 2013 at 9:30 pm

OMG- “crevice cleaning costs extra”….. Lord have MERCY! So sorry this happened to you. Yes, request nonflammable massage oils next time. Having once accidently hit my lady parts with a body spritzer which I didn’t realize yet contained alot of alcohol, I literally can feel your pain. Except that I was in my home, alone, not in front of a male massage therapist, in a spa. I think you should have requested a bonus 1/2 hour at least for your next treatment, after all the guy did set you on FIRE! Love your humor! Unicorn Dust should be gentler!

12 Sandi July 13, 2013 at 10:38 pm

Thanks Judy! And I love the body spritzer on the lady parts! What a hoot! Thanks for reading I appreciate it and your comment!

13 Heather July 14, 2013 at 7:38 pm

Sandi, you make me laugh. oh and I had to explain the Boob post to friends of mine that are visit from Europe today. Oh my god I had to laugh again and again.

14 Sandi July 14, 2013 at 7:47 pm

Thanks Heather! And I adored the boobie cupcakes! I expect them every year on my birthday from now on!

15 Heather July 16, 2013 at 7:53 pm

Sounds great Sandi! I will put you in my phone as a reminder!

16 Debbie July 18, 2013 at 1:19 pm

Sandi, that is so flipping funny. Suggest that maybe he should keep a pot of water handy for his clients to sit in….. Just in case he has another spill! To bad it wasn’t one of the Go Go’s giving the rub down. I would have been screaming ” clean it up”!

17 Sandi July 18, 2013 at 2:12 pm

Thanks Debbie! And yes, if it were Jane this would have ended up being a totally different post!

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