Ok, don’t think I’m crazy but my Mom spoke to be from the afterlife.

January 26, 2015

in Family, Mom, Self Awareness

Yesterday I spent the day celebrating the first birthday of The OC’s since she passed away. It was a good day filled with lots of laughs doing things that she loved. It was a nice way to spend a moment and keep her close in our thoughts.
Death and grief are such a tornado of emotions. Some days that pain passes with hardly a thought and others it comes crashing in and decides to stay awhile. Lately thoughts of my Mom has been hovering and hanging on. One because I’m watching Mad Men and the nostalgia of my childhood is reflected in every episode. Two, my sister is still homeless. I think constantly of what my Mom would say to this. Would she take some of the responsibility for enabling my very (very) manipulative sister? Would she be disappointed that I have mostly checked out of the situation? Would she finally lose her shit and accept and understand that my sister is a drug addict and hold her accountable to that? Would she continue to feel guilty over something she has no control of?
Seriously people, this is the stuff that keeps me up at night.
I do my best to keep my thoughts and memories of my mom positive. To me, to dwell on any of the negative seems like a big old waste of time. And honestly, I don’t have very many sore spots when it comes to either of my parents. They were human and did the best they could with what they had. I figure if my biggest disappointment of my childhood was that I never got the Easy Bake oven that I relentlessly asked for year after year, things probably weren’t so bad.
But when those thoughts of grief and what ifs get the best of me and they start heading into a dark spot, I often find something along the way to change the shift of my emotions. It’s uncanny how it happens and I can’t help that think that it’s more than coincidence. However it happens, I’m very glad it does.
This past few weeks those thoughts of my sister were really weighing on me. I was thinking about it more than I should have and those thoughts were losing light. I was digging through old paperwork trying to find an important piece of paper we needed to sell our trailer (which we did sell so YIPPEE to that!) and I found, tucked inside all of our legal papers, a handwritten note from my mom. And not just any note, it was her “speech” that she used when she gave me away at my wedding.
Of all the things to find that have significant meaning, that one told me the biggest story.
During my wedding my Mom was bedside herself with anger over my sisters drug abuse. She was done. She made me promise over and over to not let me or my family get dragged into it. I needed so very badly to hear those words. Im not sure exactly how she did it, but I’m grateful she sent them to me.
See, grief has its time and it’s place and it has lessons to be learned. Whether it’s by a fun and laughter filled day with friends or by the tears of a memory long ago, it’s still there making you who you are supposed to be.

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1 Pam Dillon January 26, 2015 at 9:40 am

Beautifully articulated. My parents are long gone, but they’re still there in everything I do.
Hang in there and remember what your mom made you promise.

(BTW: I didn’t get that Easy Bake Oven either. : D)

2 Sandi February 7, 2015 at 12:57 pm

Thank you Pam! Your words means so much!

3 Laurel January 27, 2015 at 3:35 am

AMEN!

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