The Path of Painful Addictions

November 26, 2013

in Family, Self Awareness

al-anonI have started this post probably sixteen times and then erased it, only to start over again. I’m normally not known for holding back BUT a few things do make me pause.

1) How this will make others feel. After my last Pop Tarts blog I made a promise to my wife to keep something’s private. Like things about poop, arguments and our mutual crush on Andrew’s math teacher.

2) When I specifically asked to not write about something. When you are a blog writer that writes about nothing in particular that kinda means anything has the opportunity to end up here. People will say “please don’t blog about this” and I listen. Most of the time.

This falls into the later.

Sometimes people have things going on in their lives that they don’t want published. I get that. I would never want to purposely humiliate or share something that wasn’t mine to share. I mean, I choose to blog this way for a reason. It’s a release for me. Not one for anyone else. I left my last blog because it was confining. I work with people now that let me do what I want (for the most part.) It’s not lucrative because I put restrictions on myself. I don’t want someone to tell me what to do and what to write about. I also have no desire to write a book or have anything published. I just want to write what is on my mind with no particular rules or order.

But sometimes what people don’t want me to write about spills into my life. The line between their “privacy” and my need to get some stuff off my chest becomes blurred. While I value and respect others privacy I feel I have every right to write about things that affect me. I think there is even an amendment about it somewhere in our Constitution (I wished I paid better attention in 8th grade history…) So why I get the fact that this is a sensitive subject, I have decided to write about it and how it affects me. To tell my story. The rest of it will be up to her to tell.

My sister is a drug addict.

The depths of this addiction has run off and on for years. Granted, there has been some bumps and bruises in her life that didn’t make the situation any easier, but over all, it is what it is. I’m sure I’m not the only one that has this in their life. If you turn on the TV there are shows about addiction, rehab and interventions. Even celebrities have profited off this illness. Some to actually get clean, the others to extend their 15 minutes of fame. Addiction, it’s out there. The world see’s it. People succumb to it. It’s as obvious as a smack upside the head or a painting on the wall. It’s there, it’s tangible, it affects people. But sadly, the only people who don’t see the glaring obviousness of the addiction is the addict themselves. They truly never see the depths of how this affects others until they are ready too and that can take years.

Or even longer.

That is a lot of time to sit and wait for the next shoe to drop. A lot happens in that time. Mostly none of it good. Or healthy. Or at times, sane. Having an addict in your life is like watching a tradgey unfold on live TV. There is nothing you can do to help. It’s sad, heartbreaking and frustrating. It angers you, it makes you cry. You lose sleep and control of the situation. It’s an evolution for both the family and the addict of lowest of lows and I’m not going to say highs, that would be overstating it, but relief.

And then the cycle starts all over again.

I’m going to write about my story. Not today because it’ll take too long, but I’ll throw a post out now and again.

This isn’t for you, or even my sister. I am writing this for me. To get it off my chest. To start processing the anger, the hurt and the humiliation. To hopefully, eventually, make some peace within myself.

It’s my story and I am ready to tell it.

1 Karen November 26, 2013 at 11:49 am

The story come out when the words are ready. It’s been a long time in the making.

2 Sandi November 30, 2013 at 11:38 am

Thanks Karen. It has been a long time and I think I’m finally free of the chains that kept me silent for so long. Thanks for supporting me.

3 Bonnie November 26, 2013 at 1:15 pm

I have a dear friend that has a horrible addiction. She doesn’t know when to stop shopping and spending. It’s compulsive, without thought, and destructive. She’s about to lose her house and all her worldly possessions because she buried herself (and by default, her hubby as well) in so much debt that she can’t even make interest payments. He never knew. He’s totally shell-shocked. I tried to help her…to no avail. I know it’s not the same as substance abuse, but destructive nonetheless.

You’ll pen your words when you’re good and ready, Sandi. And your words will come from deep inside your soul.

4 Sandi November 30, 2013 at 11:37 am

Bonnie- I think every has seen addiction from some perspective. No matter where you are sitting, it’s never easy to see someone self destruct. Good luck to you and your friend and thank you for your support! Sandi

5 Margie November 26, 2013 at 3:41 pm

Write away…. It’s your side of the story.

6 Sandi November 30, 2013 at 11:34 am

Margie- Thanks friend. You always got my back.

7 Loretta November 26, 2013 at 9:06 pm

I have one if these too. Let me know if you feel better when you’re done writing.
I’m with you.

8 Sandi November 30, 2013 at 11:33 am

Loretta – I’ll see where the road takes me. I’m hoping it’ll help clear up some misunderstandings and give me some closure. Thanks for your support!

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